B37) Father's Day

Every Father's Day in prison was pure torment. That was the purpose for prison, torment. Or was it rehabilitation? I, myself, was never on the receiving end of any state sponsored "rehabilitation" nor did I see any state sponsored rehabilitation occurring. I saw people warehoused. I saw them treated without dignity and inhumanely. As a result of their environment I saw people degenerate to subhuman levels. The state calls it "Justice".

I felt contempt when the offer would come around for gifts and tokens to be sent to my kid via a  charity with good intentions. As kind as the offer was I never partook. It hurt too much. Instead of this being a kind a noble jesture (which it absolutely was), it felt like reality spitting in my face then kicking me in the balls.

"Get away from me"

I do not want nor do I need to be reminded I cannot provide for my child on this holiday.


After coming home from prison I thought creating a resume of respectability would help repair the damage I did by leaving my daughter. I thought if other respected me, maybe she would? I no longer think that. That was a false premise. My resume had nothing to do with it. I was covered with so much guilt, shame and contempt it was difficult to think straight. All my pain revolved around failing as a father and husband.

I have no fond memories of Father's Day. The whole of my life, not one memorable Father's Day. Whatever festivities I participated in for my father, my step father or as a father were gratuitous at best. My heart was never in it for all the obvious reasons.

What was there to honor about my dad? Nothing

What is there for my daughter to honor about me? Nothing.

Today I am reminded of my failure as a father. It’s not difficult to accept. It's not difficult to understand. This is the life I created.

I have no vocabulary for excuses.

It's simply not possible to spend six years in prison away from my daughter and expect to feel worthy of celebration on this day. No. This is a day to pass as quickly as possible without incident.

Same goes for my birthday. No a fucking word do I want uttered!

There are times I wish I had a father worthy of accolades on this day. I wish I had a father that inspired me in positive ways instead having a father that inspired me in negative ways. I wish I could have been the kind of son that when honored with accomplishments and awards, I would give a speech thanking my father for helping and leading me to become the man I am.

It's difficult to miss what you never knew or had. This notion have birth to Alfred Lord Tennyson's famous quote ...English poet (1809 - 1892)

"Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all"

I am hopeful things will evolve to a more favorable and healthy outcome for all concerned.

Hope springs eternal...